We’ve all been in that awkward place. The one where we’re crushing hardcore on someone, but aren’t really sure if they’re putting out the same vibe. It can be confusing—and especially for females. Why? Because most guys are idiots (this writer included) who either don’t know what they want so they don’t know how to go about deciding, or know what they want—or don’t want—and are too cowardly to make that fact known. We’re a sad, scraggly bunch, we men.

So, how can a girl tell when a guy isn’t really interested in her from a romantic standpoint? Well, there are signs. How do you tell what those signs are? I’m going to tell you if you’d just be patient. What if we don’t want to be patient, Cory? What if we want to know them NOW? Fine. I’ll tell you, but you have to buy me seasons 1-6 of One Tree Hill after. Deal?

Without further delay, I proudly present, “Cory Copeland’s Guide on How to Tell if a Dude Doesn’t Like You” (that title depressed me just as much as it did you *sigh*):

If he does…find a way to keep pushing your dates back.
You would assume that this whole scenario would be self-explanatory, but…you’d be wrong. Guys have things going on. We work, we play (video games), we watch our John Wayne movies for the 1,027^th time (don’t you even THINK about dissing the Duke). We’re busy. BUT, if a guy is interested in a girl, he will find a way to see her. So if Chet Stedman keeps canceling your dates because other stuff came up or he regularly has things he “forgot about” that he has to do pronto, then it’s safe to assume that he either a.) isn’t interested in dating you, or b.) he’s too busy to devote even a little bit of his attention to you. Either way, you lose. Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger.

If he doesn’t…contact you first most days.
Whether we want to admit it or not, guys also get excited at the possibility of something new romantically. We get butterflies, okay?! Back off! With that in mind, remember that this particular excitement bleeds in to us wanting to talk to you (if we like you), so we do our best to contact you first. If we aren’t really interested, more than likely, you’re going to have to initiate the conversation most days. And then, it will be like pulling teeth to get us to say anything. Basically, we’re the Beast before Belle worked her magic on him.

If he does…mention other girls to or around you.
This one is tricky. If we like you, we’re going to do our best not to cause trouble. And since women are notoriously jealous creatures (yes, I said it; I regret nothing), we don’t want all the drama that would come by mentioning how cute and/or funny another girl is. If we’re not interested, it’s not a big deal to mention to our friends (read: you, honey) how that one girl in the shorts and pair of Ugg boots is kinda cute (which then causes you to act like that Carrie chick who was Jamie’s nanny, but was actually in love with Nathan, but then kidnapped Jamie at Luke’s mom’s wedding, but got away when Dan found them in that motel room, but then ALSO kidnapped Dan, drugged him and then chased him and Haley through a cornfield with an ax!! MY GOD WHAT AN AWESOME SHOW!!!!). In any case, if he’s eyeballing other chicks, it’s a safe bet that he isn’t picking up what you’re putting down.

If he doesn’t…buy and/or make you anything.
Men are notoriously bad at conveying their feelings. It’s pathetic actually. We’re afraid of being seen as weak. So how do we tell a girl we like her without actually saying those fear-ridden words? WE BUY HER STUFF. Meals, trinkets, jewelry, houses—it doesn’t matter. That’s how we prove our love. So if you’re out with a guy (even in a group of friends), and he doesn’t make it a point to at least offer to pay for your meal, there’s a good chance he only sees you as another girl who’s making googly eyes at him when you think he isn’t looking. Again, honey, I’m sorry to have to point this out…

If he does… get super weird and distant after you guys make out.
Don’t start shaking your head at me. Maybe not all of us have made out with someone we didn’t really like, but it happens. So, if you two have gotten intimate, but afterwards, you don’t hear from him or see him for a while, there’s a good chance he isn’t actually interested; he just wanted to see if he could “conquer” you (that or you’re just a really bad kisser!). I know, I know. Men are pigs. I’m with you, sweetie. We can’t all be Sully to your Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (that’s right; I went there).

These five tips should give you a good head start on figuring out if a guy likes you or not. As always, take this advice with a miniscule grain of salt, and remember that you probably should rethink listening to a guy who has watched every single episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and considers Dr. Michaela Quinn his one lost love.

(I like to keep it funny on the Twitter. Follow me here. Thanks for reading, you guys!)