Excuses come in all shapes and sizes…just like the people who give them. And when the excuse is being utilized to end a relationship or to turn someone down, sometimes they aren’t exactly the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help them God if you know what I mean.

So how do you know when that guy or girl you’re crushing on is telling you the truth about why they’re breaking up with you or why they won’t be joining you for that couples retreat to Vermont? Some times you can’t! People are good liars (*cough*especially women*cough*)!

However, there are 5 ready-made excuses that seem to be used quite a bit. And honestly, they ain’t too truthful. With that in mind, I present to you the true meaning behind the five most used excuses for breaking up with someone/turning them down. I’ll be answering for the guys, and as an added bonus, my girlfriend, Kayla (that’s right, I have a girlfriend! And she’s real!), will be providing the answers for the chicas. It only seemed fair since I’ve pretty much used up all the knowledge I had on the species that is the wily female.

Okay, as the Joker said, “Here…we…go”:

1. “I need to get closer to God”
Kayla: She probably means, “And by ’God’, I mean the unknown chasm of time in which I’m single because I haven’t found someone I like enough to unsinglelize me. Yes, that IS a word.”
Note: To give you some perspective, I was on a “dating fast” when I started talking to Cory. Not only did I forget this endeavor, but I literally just remembered it right now. My point exactly.
Cory: He means, “YOU ARE SUFFOCATING ME I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE I DIE OF MONOGAMY”

2. “I only see you as a friend”
Kayla: She means, “I only see you as not being my boyfriend. But speaking of boys, do you have any cute friends?”
Cory: He means, “I’m sure you’re great and all but you’re not hot/smart/cool/funny enough for me to make you my significant other.”
Note: Kayla tried this one on me, but I bugged her until she gave in. WINNING!

3. “I’m not really looking to date anyone right now”
Kayla: She means, “I might call you if I don’t want to go to the mall alone or if I need to make another guy jealous.”
Note: This is an excuse we give if we don’t exactly want to date you, but we don’t mind your name showing up in our inbox… or you paying when we go to Chick-fil-A (#1 with a sweet tea, please).
Cory: He means, “You’re too sensitive for me to put you in the friend zone, so I’m gonna blame it on me so you won’t feel bad.”
Note: This is a remix on the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me…” routine.

4. “I really just need to focus on me right now”
Kayla: Oh, because she can’t multitask? This is our way of saying no without actually saying “NO”. Walk away and find someone that can do two things at once—basically any other female than the one that just gave you that lame excuse
Cory: “I’m looking to get with as many chicks as possible, and you do not fit the criteria, baby cakes. Sorry. Now…kick rocks”

5. “We can date without really having a title. How ‘bout that?”
Kayla: She means, “I want to make out with you and never call you again….unless it’s to make out with you again.”
Cory: Actually, just see the above answer. Sometimes men and women CAN think alike. IT’S A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!

That’ll do it for this round of “tRaNsLaTiOnS”. Have some to add of your own? Add ‘em in the comments! And remember: if these don’t actually turn out to be true, that’s what you get for listening to the guy (and gal) who frequently forgets that Patrick Swayze has passed on (how awesome was Roadhouse, you guys? Right?!). RIP Crazy Swayze

You can follow Kayla on Twitter here (she’s about a million times funnier than I am).

Follow me on Twitter here, and as always, thank you for reading!