I don’t pray.

I’m a Christian—at least I claim to be—who doesn’t make a concerted effort to speak with the One whom he calls Savior. The saddest part of this confession is that not only do I realize that I don’t pray, but I also realize why I don’t pray.

It’s because I’m terrified of losing control of my own life—or what I feel is control. I feel that if I pray and become closer to God, then the decisions I’ve made for the future will be voided due to His will overtaking my own desires and dreams. I mean, what if they don’t match up and I’m not able to do what I want? And although I realize from the teachings I’ve heard all my life that His will and ways are infinitely wiser and better for me, I still choose to hold onto my own starving determination to do what I want to. Sure, at church or in a praying group, I bow my head and utter a few sparse words, but rarely—if ever—do I break myself down to my barest of emotions and truly seek the face of God. I know that I need to do this and that I need to do this on a steady basis—but I don’t.

Yesterday signaled the start of a new year, and even as I try to stay away from the prototypical “fresh beginning” type of post, I know that this change is needed in my life. I should be praying and seeking God’s will for my life; I’ll be happier and more fulfilled if I did so. It only takes me deciding to toss away my old stubborn ways and choosing to chase after Him; through prayer, through fasting, through supplication.

New year or not, I can and should be a better Christian.

And that begins with prayer.

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