It’s said that we are to write what we know. And although I’ve taken the liberty to put together handy little guides about how to get a girlfriend or boyfriend in the past, my true expertise lies in knowing how to chase away someone special. Simply, I’ve been broken up with enough times to realize what I do wrong and what I do right. This here is what you should do if you want to not have a girlfriend anymore.

So, whether you’re using this as a guide on what not to do, or you’d rather take the cowardly route and act like Chandler trying to get Janice to breakup with him, these simple tips should do the trick. If not, then the chick you’re with has her claws dug in tight and won’t be letting go until Ryan Gosling finally realizes his undying love for her and proposes; then, maybe you’ll be free like Willy (Free? Willy? Free Willy? Get it?).

DISCLAIMER: I am currently in a committed relationship with a fantastic young lady, and as far as I know, things are going great. She may tell you differently.

Anyway, bear with me and I’ll try to teach you what makes a girl head for them there hills. Ready? Let’s twist this!

Do…Be Selfish

I “used” this technique to drive a way a lady or two in my day. I like to think I’ve gotten better, but every now and then it’s still “ME ME ME ME ME ME!”
If you’re wanting lose the wonderful girl in your life, forget all about her wants and needs and focus solely on numero uno (that’s you, champ). Don’t ask how her day was, only talk about yourself, and only do the things you want to do when you two go out. In no time, she’ll send you kicking rocks (that or send you 47 texts in a row……..).

Don’t…Put Forth Any Effort
I wish I could say I’ve never been guilty of committing this faux-paux, but sometimes we get uninterested or just plain lazy when it comes to our relationship, so we quit putting forth any type of effort. This makes a girl feel like she’s doing all the work, and I don’t know of many girls who will put up with that for too long.
Don’t call her, don’t check on her, don’t tell her how much she means to you and you’ll be allllllll alone asap.

Do…Have Another Girl as a Close Friend
Women—like us men—are of the jealous type, generally. So if you’re wanting your girl feel threatened and like she may just cut the break line of SOMEONE’S car, then be sure to have another female as your BFF. Not only will this drive your girlfriend iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe, but it’ll also insure that you’ll be single and ready to mingle/cry yourself to sleep. Good job, sailor.

Don’t…Be Respectful
Any woman worth a challenge will want to be respected. With that being said, if you’re not wanting to be with a girl who’s worth a challenge anymore, then be disrespectful. Talk down to her, get handsy, and/or ignore her attempts at fixing the relationship. Not only will you be single, but any girl who has ever known or even heard of her or you will know what a worthless cad you are (it’s important to remember that every female knows every other female one way or the other). That way, you can be single for a very, very, very, very long time! Yay!

Do…Borrow Money from Her
I hate to admit that I’ve done this, but it’s true. If there’s one way to strain and eventually fracture a relationship, it’s borrowing money from your girlfriend and then taking too long to pay her back. So, if you’re wanting to never hear from her again, but WOULD like to hear from her lawyer and/or dad/big brother, borrow a sizeable amount of cash and then “forget” to pay it back. In other words, be the Kramer to her Seinfeld. You can’t go wrong here. Well, you can, but that’s the point, right?

Use these five tips and you’ll be without the love and warmth of a woman really, really quickly! If they don’t work, you’re just too good of a guy and there’s no “helping” you. Also, you probably shouldn’t be listening to the guy who broke up with his childhood sweetheart because she “knew me too well”. Yeah……..

DISCLAIMER PART 2: I hope to God you all realize that this post is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek as you read it. After last Monday’s feminism mishap, I can’t take any more hate mail right now. Please and thank you.

You should following me on Twitter. Do it here. Thanks for reading!