While it’s no secret that men and women are different, it’s even less of a secret that our species think differently. We approach situations from different analytical angles and come to our separate conclusions from opposite directions. Yes, we’ve all heard it a thousand times before: women are from Venus and men are from under a rock or Mars or something. Regardless of the metaphor, the truth remains that we are, and always will be, different. And if this is eternally true, how do we come to agreements and compromises when facing an issue together, both hoping for a beneficial settlement? What happens when your boyfriend/husband chooses to watch pornography and there’s nothing you can do to stop him? What happens when this choice not only threatens to unravel the very fabric of your relationship, but your feelings of self worth as a woman as well? What happens then?

As men, we’re fairly basic creatures. And as rudimentary as that sounds, it’s true. We’re basic in the needs we feel and the emotions we restrict. It may be tough for us to admit what we’re feeling in a particular moment of dramatics or emotional pain, but regardless of what we say, those feelings are there (we are human after all). We simply choose to compartmentalize these feelings and emotions, placing each one in a neat little cupboard within our subconscious, hoping they’ll simply disappear over time (I’m, of course, speaking in a generalized way. Not all men do this). I think this is the way most men process the “need” to ingest pornography. It isn’t necessarily the lack of physical satisfaction within his romantic relationship that will drive a man to watch or experience porn, but rather a completely separate need segregated away from his feelings of love and commitment to his relationship. Just because a man watches porn doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his wife/girlfriend. It means that he has a need to witness an act performed that he may crave on an animalistic level. It’s a release for him, but one that houses no trace of love or romanticism. His choosing to watch pornography isn’t a strike against your worth as a woman, but rather an indicator of him compartmentalizing his desire for sexual completion.

A man’s participation in pornography can wear on your worth as a woman. While he’s actively lusting after other women, a woman’s view of herself can be skewed to believe that she isn’t sexy enough or she doesn’t dress the way he likes. It can be difficult to disconnect his pornographic expectations from the expectations he has of you as a girlfriend or wife. You may feel that what he likes to watch or look at is what you need to be; even making you feel cheated on or rejected. This can lead to you trying to compensate for the lack of attention you may be feeling. You may have even let down the standards of purity you’ve set for yourself by dressing in a more sensual way or entirely changing the way you conduct yourself. It’s easy to allow your partner’s smutted fantasy to affect and change who you are, weakening the worth you hold as a woman. Though these feelings of desertion ache, it’s within your own worth that you can find the means to rise above the dire situation.

 At its base, porn can be an addiction like any other. If your boyfriend or husband was addicted to a certain substance, you wouldn’t enable him or support him in the procuring of his vice, but rather guiding him to seek professional—even spiritual—help.

Pornography is no different.

Just because a man feels the need to watch or look at pornographic images does not make it necessary for you to bow to that need, changing the way you dress, or behave. You are better than that. You are worth more than that. Yes, he may compartmentalize his lusts so that he watches porn to deal with desire, but that doesn’t mean you have to support him in the act. You have the means to stand up for yourself and demand more out of your relationship and your partner. No woman should have to feel degraded enough so that stooping to lower levels is warranted. A woman deserves more than that, and she should demand to be treated as such.

I realize what I’ve written here is easier said than done, but pornography weakens the fabric of a relationship and inflicts pain. You may feel like less of a woman because your partner chooses to partake in the visual desires of the flesh, but that participation on his part is in no way synonymous with the wonderful worth you hold as a woman. If he only casually partakes, you have a right to demand that he stop. If he is addicted, open the lines of communication and direct him to get help. Through professional counseling and your support, you can overcome this obstacle as a couple. If he refuses to acknowledge a problem or quit using pornography altogether, take a serious look at the relationship and consider the worth it may or may not hold in your life.

As a woman, you deserve a partner who is faithful—in reality and in fantasy. Recognize your worth. You are an equal half of a relationship and more importantly, a whole person who requires faithfulness in every way possible.

You are worth something grand, and that worth is valuable enough to be respected.  

You can follow me on Twitter here. Thank you for reading.