“When you know, you know. And when you don’t know, you still know.”

This is a saying I use frequently when I’m asked for relationship advice (I know; I’m surprised as you are). I think I came up with it myself, but considering the amount of movies, music, and television I ingest, I wouldn’t doubt that I subconsciously stole it from someone (as long as it wasn’t Nickelback…).

Regardless, this saying can not only be applied to most of life’s situations, but more specifically, to love. “When you know, you know…” How many times have we heard that from a freshly engaged male or female as they smile and try to explain why they’ve popped that magical question or answered yes to it. And you know what? It’s the truth. When you love someone, you know that you love them. If you aren’t sure if you love them or not, guess what “…you still know” (here’s a hint: you probably don’t).

It’s a widely known and accepted belief that love is a tricky concept. How many of us have fallen deeply, madly, completely in love with someone, only to have things fall apart so viciously that we berate ourselves for ever thinking that things would work with such an awful person (it’s never our fault, obviously)? I’m chastising myself as I type this. But what’s to say? We’re human and we make plenty of mistakes. Sometimes love is a mistake. And honestly, that truth hurts more than it should for some reason.

So how do we know when our “knowing” isn’t just another mistake and is the real thing? How do we separate our past mistakes in love and romance from something new and fresh and frightening (in a good way)? I like to believe it’s an inherent sense for us. We’ve been disappointed in our past failures, but something internal pushes us toward another chance. We may have been left wounded from our past love, but that desire for a relationship is rarely quenched. We want love. We need love. Does that mean we’re a glutton for punishment and should be locked up somewhere that has padded walls and super easy board games? Possibly, but I’d rather believe that it’s simply our need for companionship and the willingness to share our life with another that keeps pushing us forward again and again through all the wounds of our past love. Things seem lovelier that way, you know?

Look, it’s all fairly simple if we want it to be: love is a chance, a gamble. Yes, we’ve made foolish mistakes with our heart in the past (cue Journey’s “Foolish Heart”), but that should never keep us from experiencing something new and wonderful with someone else. Because when we know, we know, and when we don’t know and things happen to fall apart, we can still pick ourselves up and give it a try all over again.

Love isn’t always pleasant, but it is usually worth it.

Don’t let those past failures in love hold you back. If you do, you could miss out on that truly amazing feeling of knowing when you know.

And that feeling cannot be rivaled.

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My debut novel, “These Were the Nights” will be available everywhere this spring.
A version of this article first appeared on QuarterlifeMan.com.